**** The Ship: UACS Escher The Captain: Loden Taylor The Crew: Urania - a muse and film buff Gordon Freeman - a physicist and survivor Kiyone Makibi - a detective and fighter Bit - 1/0, yes/no And introducing... R. Dorothy Waynewright - an android and woman The Mission: To MST bad fan fics These are their stories. **** "All right, we've got a lock on their beacon. Altitude 4250 and falling," Kiyone said as she set the Escher to autopilot and turned the exterior landing lights on. "And how about a little sun?" She pressed another button on the control panel, and the walls and ceiling of the cockpit turned transparent, flooding it with sunlight. "Ahhhhhh...haven't felt that in a while," Kiyone said as she reclined in the pilot's seat. "You know, Loden, we should do this kind of thing more often. I'd almost forgotten how much fun atmospheric flight can be." >From his command chair in the center of the large cockpit (or small bridge, if you prefer), Loden laughed. "I'll be sure to remember that for when we get out of dry dock. Once we get the new hyperdrive installed..." "Oh yeah, about that," Gordon interrupted from the co-pilot's seat. "Why do we need it? If I'm not mistaken, we've already got one hyperspace drive on this ship." "Don't ask," Urania said, turning slightly from her science station. "you know how much he likes long explanations." Loden grinned. "Hey, I'm hurt. I just like to make sure you're all well informed." "Uh-huh," Urania commented dryly. "Anyway," Loden continued, "the hyperdrive we've got is made for jumps of up to 8 light years. System to system type stuff; it's short-range, but you can make the jump from anywhere, even from in the atmosphere. This new one uses gravametric waves to induce a quantum tunnel with a range of 2,500 light years. But it's a tradeoff - the hyperspace module takes a couple of minutes to charge, and it can't be used near any large gravity wells, so you've got to be a good distance from any astral body for it to work." "That's all great, but you still haven't explained why we're getting it," Freeman persisted. "Well, I figure that we can use them in tandem. If we need to get someplace in a hurry, we can use the short-range hyperdrive to jump to interplanetary space, then charge the other and VOOM! Away we go." "With exactly that sound effect, I'm sure." Urania commented again. "Could be. I'm not really sure what kind of sound it makes, if any." Loden said, obviously missing Urania's sarcasm. "I guess we'll find out once we test it." "Hold that thought," Kiyone interrupted, "we're coming in for landing." As smoothly and as seemingly lightly as a feather, the Escher glided over the ground at an altitude of only a few hundred feet. It slowed at it approached the massive hanger, coming to rest a few meters in front of it. Hovering a couple of feet above the ground, the Escher was grasped by a series of clamps which extruded themselves from the hanger and pulled the ship in. There was a slight jarring as the Escher was locked into its berth, and then darkness as the docking bay doors closed. Suddenly, the hanger was flooded with florescent light. Kiyone killed the exterior lights, and began powering down the engines. "Okay, we're dry docked." "Excellent," Loden replied. Standing up, he stretched. "Let's go out." He turned and, without waiting for the others, he headed down the ladder and towards the air lock. The others followed and, a few moments later, all four were standing in the hanger, next to the ship. "She looks bigger from the outside," Urania said, looking up at the Escher. Loden nodded, intent on whatever information his hand-held computer was providing. "Well," he finally said, "I guess you're all on your own for the day." The others were taken aback. "Really?" Kiyone asked. "You don't have any bizarre jobs or MSTs lined up for us? No subcontracting to the Amish, or releasing a swarm of T'kuunian locusts as part of some insane Department of Natural Resources experiment?" Loden shook his head. "Nope. Take a bit of shore leave. I've got to stay here and supervise the hyperdrive instillation. Just be sure to meet me at the Red Club for dinner tonight at 9:00. You've all got directions to it in your palm computers." And with that he turned and walked towards the dockmaster's office, leaving Urania, Freeman, and Kiyone standing in the middle of the hanger. "Huh," Freeman finally said. "Well, if that's the case, then I'm going to find someplace to eat. Anyone want to come with?" "Nah," Urania replied. "I'm going to do a little shopping. I could use some more robes." She turned and, with a little wave, walked out of the hanger. Gordon shrugged. "How about you, Kiyone?" "Sure, what the hell. How about Chinese? I haven't had that in a long time..." ------------------------ After a day of sightseeing and shopping, Urania found herself wandering around downtown, idly trying to find the place Loden had told them about. Turning a corner, she saw Kiyone and Freeman seated on a park bench. The couple spotted her, and waved her over. "What's up?" Urania asked, dropping her shopping bags and sitting next to Kiyone on the bench. "Not much. We were just taking a break before we went to that club Loden said to meet him at. What did you get?" Urania looked through her bags. "Let's see...two new robes, a new celestial atlas, a copy of Dante's Divine Comedy, and a copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." She held up the last item, showing them the bold, "Don't Panic" emblazoned on the cover. "Isn't that thing usually wrong?" Kiyone asked. "Yeah...but it's wrong in all the right ways." Kiyone looked puzzled at this, but shrugged it off. "Well, I suppose we should find this place, huh?" Gordon nodded. "Might as well, it's getting close to 9:00." He stood and, after a moment of studying his palm computer, began walking down the street. Kiyone and Urania followed and, in a matter of minutes, the three found themselves standing before a plain brick building in the middle of downtown. The sign over the door read, simply, "The Red Club." Upon entering, the trio discovered the plain exterior hid a rather fancy dinner club. Booths, most of them full, circled the walls, and directly in front of them was the bar. Beyond it and its patrons was the main floor, where even more people were seated at round tables. Finally, at the far end of the building was the stage, where a young, very lightly skinned woman sat at a baby grand piano. From the sound of it, she was playing Chopin, and playing it very well. "Guys!" Looking to their left, they saw Loden seated at a table, about halfway to the stage. "Over here!" he said, his voice carrying easily. Despite the large crowd, the only sounds were of quiet conversation and the piano. Making their way around several tables, the three sat down at the table with Loden, taking menus from him as they did. "Here, dinner's on me. I recommend the bourbon chicken - it's excellent." "What kind of food does this place serve?" Gordon asked, opening his menu. "A little of everything - just like the music," Loden replied. "About 15 minutes ago, there was a blues group up there. Same pianist, though; she's tonight's featured artist." After a few moments a waiter arrived to take their orders, then left them to enjoy the music. After the Chopin was some Beethoven, then a piece by Clara Schumann. By the time the four had finished dinner, they had heard everything from Mozart to Gershwin. As she finished her last piece, Rhapsody in Blue, the audience applauded wildly, with several rising to their feet to applaud. On stage, the wound woman stood, bowed stoically (but gracefully), and left the stage. The spotlight went off, the house lights came up slightly, and people began leaving. "Come on," said Loden, standing. "Let's congratulate her." He turned and weaved through the departing crowd, and Kiyone, Freeman, and Urania followed a short distance behind. He lead them backstage, and stopped at a dressing room door. Ginning at his crew, he rapped on the door twice. "Loden, are you sure..." Urania began, but was cut off by a female voice from inside. "Come in." Entering, the four were greeted by the pianist, who stood completely still in the center of the room. Her black dress contrasted sharply with her pale skin, and her odd stillness and unnaturally calm expression looked almost...artificial. The pianist spoke. "Hello, Loden. It's good to see you again." "Hello, Dorothy. It's been a while, hasn't it?" Loden turned to his puzzled crew members and gestured towards the young lady. "Guys, allow me to introduce R. Dorothy Waynewright. Dorothy, this is Gordon, Urania, and Kiyone." "Pleased to meet you," Dorothy said, curtsying. "And you," the three echoed. "You played very beautifully," Urania added. Dorothy smiled slightly, brushing a bit of auburn hair back from her face. "Thank you. I enjoy playing for an audience." Kiyone, despite herself, couldn't help staring slightly. There was something about the girl's strangely calm manner that troubled her. "If I didn't know any better," Kiyone thought to herself, "I'd say she was..." "In answer to your question," Dorothy spoke, apparently reading Kiyone's expression, "yes. I am an android." "...oh," Kiyone replied, after a moment of embarrassed silence. Gordon looked mildly surprised as well. Urania, for her part, didn't seem surprised at all. "Well," Loden said, breaking the silence. "We should probably let you go. Again, wonderful playing." Dorothy smiled again. "Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow." The four exited the dressing room, and Loden closed the door behind him. "Loden," Kiyone asked, "what did she mean, 'see you tomorrow'?" Loden grinned. "Let's just say that there'll be a couple (or three) surprises for all of you tomorrow. Right now, though, let's get back to the Escher. The new hyperdrive's installed, and we'll be taking off later tomorrow." He yawned, stretching his arms. "Damn, I'm tired." The four left the club and hailed a cab, leaving downtown behind them as they returned to the spaceport, and the Escher. ------------------------ The next morning started off normally (or, at least, as normally as one might expect on the Escher). Around 9:30, Freeman woke up to discover Kiyone and Urania in the lounge, already awake and eating breakfast. "Morning, Gordon," Urania said, glancing up from her breakfast. "Good morning," Freeman answered, rubbing his eyes. "Where's Loden?" Kiyone shrugged. "Beats me. He's been gone all morning." "Hmmm." Gordon looked at his watch. "Well, as long as we're going to be waiting for his 'surprises,' I'm going to shower." "Whatever," Urania said after him, digging into her eggs. After showering and dressing, Freeman returned to find Loden in the lounge with Kiyone and Urania, and a rather large package. "What's in the box?" he asked. "Ah, Gordon," Loden said, not looking up from the package. "Good. Now that we're all here, I'll tell you my three surprises. The first one is that we've got an MST today." This was greeted by groans from all three. "The second is this box, or, rather, what's IN it..." Tearing open the package, Loden jumped back as something shot out in a flurry of foam packing peanuts. "Damn!" Kiyone swore, looking at the floating polyhedron. "Not that thing again..." "YES," answered Bit, spinning on it's axis and coming to rest above Loden's right shoulder. "Don't be so mean to Bit, Kiyone. I'm sure he missed you. Didn't you, Bit?" "YES." "See?" "YES YES YES." Urania sighed. "Okay, that's TWO surprises. Where's the third?" "The third should be getting here right about now..." Just then, as if on cue, Loden was interrupted by a doorbell sounding over the PA. "Ah! Perfect timing," he said as he pulled out his palm computer and opened the air lock by remote. "We have a doorbell?!?" Kiyone whispered to Urania. Urania merely rolled her eyes and shrugged. "On this ship? Who knows." A moment later, the four in the lounge were joined by a fifth as Dorothy, the android pianist from the previous night, walked in. "Dorothy! Excellent! Glad you could come." Loden grinned a bit more, his eyes beginning to take on a slightly insane look that his crew knew all too well. "I'm ready to begin when you are, Loden," she replied. "Wonderful! Guys, Dorothy has agreed to join our crew. Cool, huh?" "I...guess," Kiyone managed to say. She opened her mouth to ask a question, but she was interrupted by the buzzer. Suddenly, the lounge was bathed in red light. "All right!" Loden cried. "How exciting! It's time!" And with that, he lead Bit and Dorothy to the theater, his crew following resignedly after a minute. ------------------------ Loden Taylor presents: An MST of "Sasami's 16th Birthday" Disclaimer: Tenchi Muyo, and its characters, are the property of Pioneer and AIC. Gordon Freeman is the property of Valve software. R. Dorothy Waynewright is the property of Sunrise, Inc. Urania, on the other hand, belongs to the world. I'm not making any money off of this, so please don't sue. As always, I'm open to C&C. My e-mail is loden_t@hotmail.com. And now, on with the MST! ------------------------ : Right. Everybody ready to GET IT ON? : YES. : WOOOOOOOOOO!!! : I apologize for Loden. He's a complete idiot. : I know. But he does have good taste in music. : That's debatable... Disclaimer: I do not own tenchi muyo or any other charter's they belong to they people who made them up and blah blah blah : Nice disclaimer. Very comprehensive. : I don't own, blah, blah, blah...are property of yadda, yadda, yadda... you get the point right so please dont sue me it's not like you will really get anything from me anyway's the story is just for fun : Still looking for a period. Important stuff: I would like to thank my friend zero cool : Very aptly named. : ZERO COOL! Sidekick of NO INTELLEGENCE! : He might as well just call himself "Loser." for the creative thoughts and the inspiration : Dude! It'd be, like, totally awesome if you had Ryoko and Ayeka sleep with Sasami! YEAH...uh-oh, quick! Hide the porn! Here comes your mom! : You know, whenever I imagine idiots like him talking, I always imagine them talking in "l33t". : Oh, like "d00d! j00 g0tt4 m4k3 ry0k0 4nd 4y3k4 g3t n4sty! 4nd pu7 1n g04t pr0n!" : Exactly. and you will see some of his things on this web site pretty soon and I would also like to thank my brother dkn : We're still trying to get him a vowel for his name. for his help with this to and I well be writeing two more sequels to this so I hope that you enjoy my first story. : THERE'S that period. : Perhaps he's too poor to afford more than just a couple. : Man! I am so sick of your bourgeois attitudes! The working man don't NEED periods! Yeah! Rip the system! Story descprtion: And this story is a lemon and should not be read by children well IM sure that they wouldn't understand it anyway's : I'm an adult, and I STILL can't understand what the hell he's saying. : He's got Extream Syndrome. : Maybe Extream, the author, and Zero Cool should hook up. : Who is this "Extream" person? : He's an author who's gained a special place in our hearts. He might also be a census taker - we never really found out for sure. : YES. Other important things: if you see (these around anything it is me adding my smart ass comments to my story) : Great. I love when they do that. : NO. and just to let you know saki is cheap beer and Fb : ...Fb is enharmonic with E natural. : If I had emotions, maybe I'd find that funny. : But...you kind of DO have emotions. : Oh...you're right. I guess it just wasn't funny. : HA! You know, Loden, I'm starting to like our new crewmember. stands for flash back. And just in case you are wondering sasmi has already turned into tsunami and she is 16 : And is , therefore, still NOT of legal age. The author: I'm the author of the story : Go figure. so you can call me Gray fox or Rob : Or dumbass. I think dumbass works better. : YES. Sasmi's 16 birthday and She confesses her love to tenchi : Here we goooooooo... It was the morning after sasami's 16 birthday and she was going to Confess that she loved tenchi : So the title lied. It's actually the morning after. : The author's tricky! so she waited until it was night time : Wow. Trickier, yet. : And then she waited another couple of days, then until it was nighttime, then another day, then until she was 17, then the morning after THAT... and she went up to his room and he was still awake and she said "tenchi i have something that i have to tell you i have wanted to tell you this for the longest time" said sasami. "What is it what do you want to tell me" said tenchi : WOAH! Where'd the formatting go? : I just want to know where the usual "several sentences make up a paragraph" concept went. : I'm curious. How is it possible to make jokes about the sentence structure when we're watching the story as a movie? : SHHHHH!!! Don't ask questions that might break the Fourth Wall! It's fragile enough as it is! I.....I...love....you. "What did you say Sasami it sounded like you said you love me is that right sasami. Said Tenchi. Yes Tenchi i love you said sasami : What? : Is it time for the fic translator again? : God. As much as I hate that thing, it might actually be better than watching this. then tenchi just looked at her weird and she ran off crying and locked herself in her room and did not come out for 1 week : Okay...so it's actually, "A WEEK after the day after Sasami's 16th birthday and she confesses her love for Tenchi". so she finally went up to tenchi when he was sleeping : Better tack on a "night after" to the title, Gordon. : You mean, "A Night After a Week After the Day After Sasami's 16th Birthday and she Confesses her Love for Tenchi"? : Yeah, that's it. : Oh, God...the title hurts almost as much as the fic. : More. and kissed him and this woke him and he quickly said sasami I love you to I always have then she slowly started to kiss him. and moved her tongue in his mouth and he did the same to her then rokoyo flew in and started to cry : My name is so poorly spelled! then she left the room then sasami locked the door and told tenchi "I want you to touch me and voiltelt me : What? Vo...voil...voil-telt? Huh? Dorothy? : It's not a word. : I knew that. : If it were, I wonder what it would entail. : Maybe voilteltation is when you're stuck in some idiot's poorly written lemon and you can't get out. and take my virginity away i want you so bad tenchi". OK my love said tenchi as he slowly unbuttoned her shirt and she took off her pants and then tenchi started to go down on sasmi and she started to moan and yell then he started to go faster and lick harder until she cumed all over his face : I only have a vague idea of what just happened. : That's all right, so does the author. : It's like seeing through a glass...crappily. : The way this author writes, it's like trying to see through a cinder block wall. and tenchi said "hmmm sasami did you know you tasted like cotton candy" : WHAT?!? : NO. : Sounds like a medical problem. : Voilteltation strikes again! wow tenchi that was wonderful it loved every second of it said sasami : Personally, I didn't care for it, but IT enjoyed every second. well now it is my turn to give you pleasure oh yes please do that sasmi then she quickly grabbed his cock and put it in her mouth she started sucking fast and hard until she basically had tenchi searming. : Searming? : Maybe it has something to do with Sears-Roebuck. : Yeah, or not. : NO. And about to cum and after a few more licks he did and she said wow tenchi you taste : ...not at all like cotton candy. very salty and kinda sweet : It's a Yin-Yang kind of thing. well after that tenchi said that he did not want to take away her virginity yet : TOO LATE! : YES. : ...depending on your definition of 'virgin', of course. he would wait i few days for them to tell every body that they are going to get married and then on there honey moon they would have sex : They just did. Oral sex is still sex. It's not INTERCOURSE, but... : We know, we know. so they both went to sleep together and in the morning at breakfast sasmi and tenchi told every body and Ryoko and Ayeka started crying and sasmi told them to get over it : THAT'S RIGHT, you SLUTS! I GOT HIM FIRST! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! : Curse you, Sister! Curse you and your cotton candy flavored flesh! : You know, Ayeka could be cotton candy flavored too if she just stuffed some up...um...I probably shouldn't finish that thought. : Bingo. and that she wanted them to be her bride maids and koyione and mosihi and washu didn't care because those three were lesbians. : WHAT?!? : WOAH!! That was sudden. : You know, Kiyone, it might not be you...the name is so horribly spelled that it could be anyone. : Yeah, thanks. (Hey this is me the writer of the story gray fox : Really? I thought that maybe a rival author had hijacked your story. : We wouldn't be that lucky...and besides, I'd hate to think of what this author's rival would be like. : It'd probably be Extream. : Actually, I think Extream would be an improvement over this guy. yeah I know that it is kinda fucked up isn't it and kinda gross but hey at least I'm making sasami look good and not pick on her like every body else does expect for me and zero cool ) : Oh! So he and Zero Cool are actually protectors of Sasami's good name. Because, you know, EVERYBODY likes to trash Sasami... : Yeah. It's right up there in popularity with Nobuyuki porn. : Tell that to AAA-PhuckNut. : Wait...why did I shudder? I don't know who that is. : It's just one of those things about him. Watch...AAA-PhuckNut. : Stop that! anyway's it was 2 day's before there wedding and they were both very nevors about it was about 12:00 at night and sasmi and tenchi were just lying in bed talking to each and sasmi said : Wait...why am I in bed with you? I thought you were Flea, from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. : Didn't see THAT one coming... "im not sure if i can wait until are wedding night I want you so bad" so do i said tenchi "but can you please wait for me please" yes i will since i love you so much " then tenchi kissed her and they went to sleep : Awwwwwww, that's so sweet...I think. I'm still not entirely sure what's going on. so that night ryoko and ayeka took sasmi out of the room and they started beating the hell out of her : YOU TOOK MY FRANK ZAPPA ALBUM, DIDN'T YOU? DIDN'T YOU?!? : Yeah...THIS is in character, all right. and she was screaming and trying to fight back but the knocked her out and she woke up the next morning with bruises and she had a black eye : You've got to cut me, Mick. Cut me! : That's it! Now I'm going to steal all of Ryoko's Tower of Power albums! Bitch! I'M what's hip! so when tenchi asked her what happened she told him and he got so mad at those two that he would not even talk to them so that went on for a couple of hours : WOW. When Tenchi Masaki gets mad, LOOK OUT. He's really laying the smack down on them, ISN'T HE? : WHAT?!? YOU BEAT UP THE GIRL I LOVE?!? THAT'S IT! I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU FOR THE REST OF THE DAY! : Yeah. SARCASM! : I think I noticed. until ryoko and ayeka had said they were sorry for doing it and it wont happen again : He's very trusting, isn't he? : That's one way of putting it. so the next day the day before the wedding washu and mosioh had just came form the osen (who built that floating bath room anyway's) : When the author is asking his audience for answers, you know we're in trouble. : I knew that from the beginning. and they could tell that they had been having sex : And you can tell the author isn't going anywhere with this story. so later that day washu mosihi and koyione went on a vacation and they took koinyioe's space ship and washu and mosihi and koyione left : YOU JUST SAID THAT, YOU BLOODY DOLT! : That has got to be the worst butchering of my name that I have ever seen. : At least yours is consistent. Mihoshi's name seems to change every four sentences. and they said that they would be back tomorrow in time for the wedding ayeka was still mad that tennchi picked her little sister over her : Morose, she spent the rest of the day in her room, crying and putting cotton candy in her pants. : Hey, that was my joke! Except I was going to suggest she cram it up her va......ppth... : Whoops. Sorry. : ...nngh...pthph...owth. but sasami was grown and she is 16 and tenchi is 20 (yeah I know it's not legal) but sasmi was really hot and tenchi always loved her anyway's : Yes, statutory rape is OKAY if the person is REALLY HOT. : Uh-huh. Or NOT. so ayeka tried to convince tenchi that he could have a second bride lord tenchi ayeka searmed : Again with the 'searming' thing. What does it mean? : It means quality Craftsman tools, with a lifetime warrantee! "please pick me as your second bride please i beg of you please" well can you give me so time to think about it" yes said ayeka as she walked out of the room : You know, this fic is a testament to the fact that people with no attention spans CAN use word processors. It's just that they can't write coherently, or spell, or form complete thoughts, or keep the drool off the keyboard, or... then sasmi came and they started to talk then she said tenchi i cannot wait until tomorrow night so that i can have sex with you it is going to be so great said sasmi" : Hahahahahaha yes! The sex will be so great in the pleasure and the greatness of the sex! Hahahahahahahaha! Oh no, the monster called Mothra is attacking! : A winner is you! yeah said tenchi especially because you taste like cotton candy so. : I suppose it's better than 'New Car Scent.' : YES. : I think it's time for a break. : Oh. We get a break? : Yep...if we didn't, we'd kill Loden in a mad rage. : Right. This way, we only kill him in an indifferent, apathetic sort of way. : I see. ------------------------ Back in the lounge, Kiyone grabbed her lunch of ramen noodles and chicken and sat down at the conference table to hear Loden finishing up a story. "...and so we ended up pounding a stake through his heart," he said. "Then we cut his head off, stuffed the mouth with garlic, and burned the body." He shook his head sadly. "It was a shame, really - I kind of liked him. But, anyway, after that one I got out of THAT business and turned to this." Dorothy, her face unreadable, merely nodded. "I see," she said. Across the table, Gordon and Urania stared at Loden for a few more moments before returning to their card game. Swallowing a mouthful of ramen, Kiyone cleared her throat. "Loden, I've been wondering something..." Loden nodded, looking serious. "I know what you're going to say. And the answer is no - I have never bombarded ANY planet from orbit using nuclear weapons in excess of 10 megatons." "Um...actually," Kiyone said pensively, "I was going to ask why we have to live on the ship, instead of just being teleported on and off." "Oh." Loden blinked. "In that case, forget what I just said. I mean, really - never mention it again." He laughed nervously, glancing around the table. "But, ah...what was the question?" Kiyone sighed. "Quite a few MST captains just take their crew from their respective realities when it's time for an MST, then send them back to the exact place and moment they took them from. You don't. Why?" "Well, I'm glad you asked," Loden replied, obviously gearing up for a lengthy explanation. "For one thing, I don't have a dimensional transporter on board." "Why not?" Freeman asked. "Too expensive. Since we're completely freelance, we can't afford some of the nifty gadgets that other ships with sponsors can." "Well," Urania interrupted, "we're not the ONLY sponsor free ship, are we?" "No," Loden admitted, "but we work for a lot cheaper than most. Have you looked in the Yellow Pages lately? MSTers are a dime a dozen! It's insane! The job market is flooded - and if we want the jobs, we have to offer better services than the other guy, and at lower prices. At least, until we establish ourselves as pros. Then we can start charging a bit more." Kiyone swallowed another mouthful of ramen and turned back to Loden. "But what about all of these bizarre side jobs you have us do?" "That helps, but it's not enough," Loden answered. "No, we'll have to keep out prices competitive until we start being worshipped as gods." This got an "ahem" from Urania, prompting Loden to quickly add; "Until the REST of us start being worshipped as gods." Urania shrugged. "Not that I'm a god, exactly...or that anyone remembers me..." Dorothy, taking in the conversation around her, appeared thoughtful. "Perhaps agreeing to join your crew was a mistake..." "Nah..." Loden said, patting Dorothy on the shoulder. "Everyone says that at first. Later, they say it was the best decision of their lives. Or the worst, depending on the person. Either way, they say something different." Just then, the lights went red and the buzzer went off, signaling the end of the break. "Okay," Loden shouted, "back in the theater!" With a bit of grumbling, everyone got up from the table and followed Loden back in. ------------------------ : Right. Let's finish it. : Can't wait. : I could've. So tenchi have you chosen your second bride yet : Yes, I have. I'm choosing Ryo-Ohki, since I always wanted to see you and the cabbit get nasty. : You know, Sasami seems awfully at ease with the idea of sharing Tenchi with another wife. I'll bet Tenchi would have a HUGE problem if Sasami was going to choose another husband. : That's the thing. These authors don't see any problem with heaping on wife after wife. But let's see them write a MALE character that can gracefully deal with the idea of sharing a wife with another man. : Ah, yes. The polygamy pitfall: "multiple wives? No problem - they'll deal with it. All women are lesbians anyway." They don't put themselves in their characters' shoes - something that any GOOD author will do to the best of his ability. : That's all wonderful, but can we please just finish the fic? Please? "no not yet I am having I hard time making up my mind because i have to pick between ayeka and ryoko and well there is only certain things I dont like about them : And Tenchi seems to be taking this decision pretty lightly, himself. : And YOU would probably do well to not expect good writing from bad authors. : You're right. But, for some reason, I keep hoping. for example ayeka is a prissy bicth sometimes and ryoko is a mean crazy bicth that never leaves me alone sometimes but you sasmi you are perfect "said tenchi : Here's a tip. If you don't really like either of them, then DON'T MARRY THEM! If you're perfectly happy with Sasami, then try JUST MARRYING HER! and with that one word sasmi started to unzip his pant's and started to give him a blow job : Wow. The author's power shifting from 'touching romance scene' to 'porno.' : Power shifting? : Shifting without using the clutch. : Ahhh... she started sucking really slow and she was mostly licking the top of his head : Uh-huh...she must have a thing for his hair. : I love you, Tenchi. : I love you too. Why are you licking the top of my head? : I don't know. Did you know you've got a bald spot? tenchi almost screamed with pleasure then all of a sudden the door brusted open and in came ayeka and ryoko : NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION! : Yes, I've watched Monty Python. : Yeah, we were wondering. : YES. and they were almost got : What? : You know, love is what I got. then ayeka said what where you two doing oh nothing at all said sasmi and tenchi : ...he said with his pants down and Sasami clinging to his knees. : Ayeka and Ryoko must be blind today. : Or just really poorly written. well we descied now you have to pick who your second bride will be no not now said sasmi now leave us alone" shut up you little bitch said ryoko "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM BOTH OF YOU" said tenchi : Okay...raise your hand if you have any clear idea of what just happened. : Okay...Bit? How about you? : NO. : I didn't think so. so then both of them ran out of his room crying like little babies (yeah I know I'm kinda mean to ayeka and ryoko but hey the desver it for beating the hell out of tenchi's bride) : You're the one who wrote them that way, idiot. Don't try and justify it to us. so after all of that tenchi said to sasmi so were we now let me give you pleasure sasmi tenchi whispered into her ear OK sasmi giggled (so what do you think of my story so far ) : IT SUCKS! : YES. so tenchi started to unzip her short shorts : Hey! Who wears short shorts? : Anybody? No? Okay... "We wear short shorts!" Who wears short shorts? "We wear short shorts!" : We should just sing along next time. I hate his solo singing even more. : YES. and he slowly slide off her dark blue panties : Who wears dark blu... : SHUT UP! : But... : No. and saw her young virgin vagina and then he started to eat her out he was slowly licking her outer lips and then she started moaning loudly and she said WOW!!!!!! : WOW! This sucks, Tenchi! Tenchi are you sure you have never done this before it feels so wonderful sasmi said : Well, I have been taking lessons from Mihoshi, Washu and Kiyo......um...just those two. : That's right. and a passionate voice tenchi kept going faster while blushing after what sasmi had said : At least he's a modest idiot. : I guess it's something. then he opened up her vagina all they way : Just wait until I open this baby up on the highway! and started to suck on her inner pussy then she cumed in his mouth and he drunk every last drop of it and she pass out it was so intense : EXTREME ORGASM! DO THE DEW!! : SURGE!! : Uh-huh. and then tenchi put her panties back on her and put her short's back on her and she was half way awake and tenchi said : Baby, that was the ultimate high. I love you sasmi and she said in a tired voice I love you to tenchi (yeah I know that it is kinda getting sappy : Oh, right. It's simply GUSHING emotion. : Not from where I'm sitting. but for you hard core sex people that love these things just because of the sex like somebody I know who reads them all the time : Here's a hint - it's me. it gets better with the sex stuff later on when they are on there honey moon). : And so Gray Fox descends from on high to dispense sexual wisdom to us peons. I feel blessed. : Uh-huh. Me too. I'm bathing in holy light. : I think this would be an appropriate place to say: SARCASM! : Hey, you catch on quick. : Thanks. The next morning the sun rose high up in the sky and tenchi thought to himself that today was the day when he would merry his true love sasmi. : Hey, Sasami, wake up! I've arbitrarily decided that we're getting married right now! : : Again? Tenchi, you've been doing this all week. Just let me sleep! Fb tenchi : F-flat Tenchi? As opposed to C, or B-flat Tenchi? : We've been over this. It means 'flashback.' : Oh, yeah. remembers the very first time that he saw sasmi and he knew from that moment that he loved her and wanted to marry her. THE END : So...he ends with a flashback. Huh. : Maybe it's a retrograde lemon. : Maybe it's just stupid. (so what did you think of my story : IT STILL SUCKS! : YES YES YES. yeah I know it was kinda gross and I was mean to ayeka and ryoko but hey I think that they desvered it for what the always do to tenchi and sasmi : Right...both of them would kill themselves for either Tenchi or Sasami, and so they deserve to be that poorly written. : LOGIC. anyway's there are two more sequels that I will write in not time : In not time? Does that mean he won't be writing them? : We wouldn't be so lucky. trust me I am very creative : and I got my boy zero cool for inspiration if I need it anyway's I hope you enjoyed every little word of my excellent story) : We didn't. Sorry. : No, never be sorry for hating the author or the fic. oh and one more thing email me your comments at RobDaMan14246671@aol.com : Apparently, he was the 14,246,671st person named Rob to think he was "Da Man." : Think he's right? : No. I'm guessing that he and the other 14,246,670 Robs are wrong. : Good guess. : YES. : And, on that note, I think it's time to leave. : Good idea. ------------------------ Back in the lounge, the crew sat down at the round conference table to enjoy a tradition that had developed over the past few MSTs; the post-fic drink. Urania had a chalice of red wine, and to her left Freeman drank Guinness from a personalized beer stein. Across from them, Kiyone had a cup of sake, while Loden opted for his usual frosted mug of root beer. Dorothy, requiring neither food nor drink, chose to have a small amount of tea. Bit was nowhere to be seen, having retreated to Loden's quarters to recharge. "Okay," Loden said, setting down his mug and picking up his clipboard, "time to rate it. Have you guys already decided on your scores?" Urania held up a scrap of paper. "Yep. Here you go; between Dorothy, Kiyone, Gordon, and myself, we got a 5 for stupidity, 2.25 for disgustingness, and 1 for disturbability." "Excellent," Loden said, writing. "So, with mine, we get 5 for stupidity, 2.125 for disgustingness, and 1 for disturbability." Dorothy took another sip of tea before setting her cup down. "What do you do with these scores, Loden?" she asked. "I plot the scores on a three-variable radar graph. My hope is that, one day, there will be a series of scores for EVERY bad fic." Loden's eyes took on a faraway look, and he wore a heroic expression which was completely lost on everyone else, since they had stopped paying attention. "I have another question," Dorothy said. "What do we do now?" Loden shrugged. "Now we take off, head back into interstellar space, and start looking for another job. But first..." He jumped up from the table and rushed over to the counter. Grabbing his palm computer, he quickly entered a selection. >From the PA came music - "Jumpin' Jack Flash" by the Rolling Stones. "Yeah!" Loden shouted. "Some traveling music! Why don't all of you take it easy - I'll pilot us out of here!" Before anyone could reply, he was gone from the lounge and into the corridor, headed for the bridge. Freeman turned away from Loden had been to face the table. "Does he really know how to fly this ship?" he asked. Kiyone shrugged. "Maybe," she said, drinking more sake. "I should probably go make sure, huh?" She stood and walked after Loden. >From the rear of the ship came the sharp whine of the engines powering up. Freeman glanced up at this. "Maybe I should check to see how they're doing." Draining his stein, he stood and exited the lounge. Urania and Dorothy watched Gordon as he left then turned back to the table. On the PA, "Jumpin' Jack Flash" ended and was followed by the Blues Brothers' "She Caught the Katy." "So, Dorothy," Urania said, finishing her wine, "what do you think of life here on the Escher?" Dorothy was silent for a moment. "It's...interesting," she finally answered. Urania nodded. "Between the bad fics and Loden's bizarre...well, EVERYTHING, it can get very interesting indeed. But it's usually a fairly good time. And Loden's actually a pretty good guy...just don't let him know I said that." Dorothy smiled. "Don't worry. I've known Loden for some time, and I, too, enjoy having a bit of fun with him." Urania laughed. "In that case, welcome to the crew of the Escher. I think you'll enjoy your stay." "I'm sure I will," Dorothy said, a smile still gracing her usually placid face. ------------------------ And so, with Loden at the helm, the Escher blasted into orbit in search of her next mission. Until we MST again... ------------------------ End Notes: Well, there you have it. Number 9. Hopefully you, my audience, don't mind the sudden expansion of the crew. I just had to bring back Bit (who will be a permanent part of the crew from now on), and I found the character of Dorothy to be too intriguing to pass up. And yes, I'm STILL without internet access. Sorry. If you've been e-mailing me and I haven't responded, don't worry. I'm not ignoring you - it's just that I only get a chance to check my e-mail about once a week. At the very latest, I'll be back online at the end of August/beginning of September. Finally, I'd just like to thank everyone who reads these MST's. I started this little endeavor with the idea of offering something unique to the MST scene, and to the fan fiction community in general. I'm not claiming to be the best MSTer out there - far from it, in fact. But I'd like to think, based off of some of the comments I've received, that I've made a few people laugh. And one last thing - I'd like to send a big 'thank you' to all the MSTers out there. It was reading and laughing at your MST's that got me started. Especially Peter Suzuki, Bryan Webber, Ksawarrior, and the JEDRI. Back when I was just another Cartoon Network newbie, your stuff weaned me into the bright light of...um..."un-newbie-ness." I just hope I'm not too much of a disgrace to the MSTing profession ;) So, until number 10, Hail and Farewell! ------------------------ Stinger: and he slowly slide off her dark blue panties and saw her young virgin vagina and then he started to eat her out he was slowly licking her outer lips and then she started moaning loudly and she said WOW!!!!!!